10 Questions I Have About ‘Return of the Jedi’

  1. Who let George Lucas, who didn’t even direct this movie, go back in and add a fucking dance scene? And JarJar.
  2. How hard do you think Luke is shaking those bars in the rancor’s chamber? He looks like he’s really giving them a tug.
  1. What’s the cover for entry to Jabba’s lair? Is there a two-drink minimum? Does the little rat emcee comedy night?
  2. Why is Billy Dee Williams the only one in the movie who pronounces Han like “han[d]” instead of “haun[t]”? Does he know something we don’t? Did he win the right to mispronounce Solo’s name in that poker game in which he lost the Millennium Falcon?
  3. Han Solo was a smuggler and Lando ran a mining company. Now they’re both generals. Who’s in charge of the rebels’ promotion process? The same person who watched Vin Diesel street race in The Fast and the Furious and was like, “You’re a spy now”?
  4. If Ewoks are covered in more fur than a Golden Retriever and live on a seemingly temperate forest moon, why are they wearing clothes? Are hoods a status symbol? How many credits does one sell for at the Endor Abercrombie?
  1. Where the hell did the Ewoks find time to cut down all those trees and construct elaborate booby traps? Were they just waiting for some rebels to mosey along so they could use them? And do stormtroopers, I don’t know, ever just patrol the woods to check for a build-up of unexpected lumber?
  2. Did no one from the Empire think to check on Lord Vader as the Empire’s greatest enemy was dragging him across the Death Star floor? I’m not saying they shouldn’t continue heading for the exits, but at least slow to a jog and give a courtesy “you need a lift?” before hopping on a ship.
  3. The Empire has millions of people and the rebellion looks to be comprised of sixty people, several of whom are there only to impress Princess Leia. Yet at the end of the movie, whole planets are celebrating the death of the Death Star. When do they start killing the collaborators? Is that in Episode VI and a Half?
  4. At the close of the movie, when Hayden Christensen appears next to Yoda and Obi Wan, my daughter asked, “Who’s that guy?” So, sigh: How long before Ewan McGregor gets superimposed over Alec Guinness?

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